I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
