Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am one with the molecules
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
