I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
