It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
this just has baby written all over it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
