i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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