My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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