Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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