There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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