it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
