i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
