I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
