If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
