Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
