I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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