I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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