Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
