the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
