SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So many bounce houses so little time
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
