I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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