i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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