I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
