I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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