i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Text me some of your sweat
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
