I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
