We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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