I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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