When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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