Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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