I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
