It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
