Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
