Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
