I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
