Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My feet surprised me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
