She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
