Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
