This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize