half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
