Sry I called you an 8
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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