we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just found puke in my bra..
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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