Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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