I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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