If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
