haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
