Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
