i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
