yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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