Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
