She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize