Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
