i love accidental penises.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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