im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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