If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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