This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
