and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
