if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize