Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
