Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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