I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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